It appears that you have no rights or the freedom of speech once you file for divorce. Now, typically, the courts have sided with women. Often even turning children over to druggies, etc and screwing the man for money, time and giving him back nothing but aggravation.

But men are not victims here. They are about as dog bottom as you can get most of the time. Insensitive. Callous. Selfish. To be honest, I think both sexes are 100% to blame and the best solution I’ve found to combat this is a solitary life of NO RELATIONSHIPS!

All around me I see people in relationships. Rich people. Poor people. Middle of the road people. Most try to put on a friendly grin and tell you and the world that everything is alright. But dig a little deeper, scratch the surface of this facade much at all, and you discover that most people in marriages are pretty miserable, full of regrets, feel they have compromised way too much with way too little return on their investment. I did the very thing when I was married. I tried to paint my predicament with platitudes. But inside I used to day dream about my wife dying in a car accident, her bastard children getting pawned off to relatives, and being once again free of the un-needed, unnecessary and completely wife created stress that seemed to just be her existence.

I know when we first separated, starting this blog was the very best thing I could have done for myself. I was able to shout out to the world (even if it means no one) that my wife was a grade a whore and that I was so glad to be rid of her once and for all. But now this guy, The Psycho Ex Wife has been told by a judge that he can’t blog about his situation (the truth must really hurt – at least we now know that whatever he is saying about her is accurate).

I’m almost moved enough to donate money to his cause – if I didn’t think he was completely full of it too, that is.

I’m not gonna beg you for nothing
I’m not gonna beg you for your love
Straight talk, give me the straight talk
Tell me what’s on your mind if it ain’t love
Scared now, what are you scared of?
Afraid I might fall on my knees and break down?
Don’t you think you can take me for a pretty little ride
I know “once upon a time” and “ever after” is a lie
I’m not gonna beg
I’m not gonna beg you for nothing at all
There’s nothing I want from you
Nothing you can say or do
There is nothing I want for you say anyway
I’m not gonna beg you for nothing
I’m not gonna beg you for your love

Got my papers from my lawyer saying everything went through, and I am now completely free. No debts (she has cars and gets the loans), no alimony (only married 5 years), no child support (no kids) – it is so very nice to be free.

So, it is official that my marriage is over and I can move on with my life – pick myself back up where I left off before I was taken in by a harlot and the naive advice of miserable people who are in living-dead marriages themselves.

As far as I know, this will be my final post to this journal. I think I have accomplished what I was looking for when I started it over a year ago. I recorded my thoughts about a situation that was really completely out of my control and something, looking back on it, thank God for.  Marriage for me was an experience in what not to do. Now I can get on with the work of living – my own rules – my own terms.

I decided I needed to comment on this since I believe it to be in error. This is found in 1 Corinthians 7 where Paul writes at length about marriage, remaining single, separation, divorce, etc. I think what the author of the blog failed to connect with is the verse where Paul says, “..if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. Nevertheless such will have trouble in the flesh, but I would spare you.” (vs 28)

This does not sound like “pleasures of marriage” but he says specifically, “troubles in the flesh”. Now, I would agree that just because someone happens to be single this doesn’t mean they necessarily have the gift of singleness. We also have to consider Jesus’ comments on this subject. He said that it is indeed better for men and women not to get married. The disciples, when realizing that Jesus said they had to stick it out in their relationships (not frivolously divorce) they likewise concluded that “if such is the case of the man and his wife, it is better not to marry.” For Jesus went on to explain how some are given this gift (so we cannot dismiss it as not being a gift) and those to whom it has been given, if they can accept it, should do so. Most are unable to control themselves.

In no way would I conclude that, because someone struggles with lusts of the flesh, they should automatically get married. Yes, marriage is God’s solution for someone who is “burning with passion”. Yes, marriage was God’s solution for whatever was plaguing Adam in the beginning, because God concluded, “It is not good for man to be alone.” But this does not mean that just because there is struggle we should heap up onto ourselves more trouble than what we already have. How hard was it in Paul’s day and age to find a wife that would be obedient or a husband that would be sacrificial? How hard is it today in our society? I am convinced this is why Jesus said, “those who can accept should accept.”

Singleness – celibate life devoted to God in service to the church – is God’s preferred lifestyle for all believers.

Now, concerning myself. I have stated this before. Just because I now wish to be remain single and celibate the rest of my life in no way means that I have or will strive to become a eunuch as Jesus described. I would be a liar if I claimed to be doing it for the Kingdom. In actuality, I’m remaining single, celibate, without intimate relationships with anyone expressly because I have concluded that people universally are without hope, without concern for others and I do not like them at all. I do not want to be bothered by them or their problems and I do not want to concerns others with my own problems. I want to live a quiet life in solitude, watchful for my Lord’s return.

The difficulty, of course, is this attitude and disposition is entirely contradictory to Christ. Is my salvation thus in jeopardy? Will I simply enter the Kingdom without reward? Will God chastise me, punish me, condemn me? I believe. I have asked Christ into my heart. I try to obey what is written in Scripture.

I’m at a loss, to be completely honest. I have no prospect of being a good man. I have no prospect of being a good husband or a good father. I have nothing within me to give others and I long only to satisfy my own desire to separate, isolate and imprison myself. I do think I my best option is to pay off my student loans, finish school and then either enter the monastery or sell everything I have and move into the woods, living off a subsistence from the money I was able to save while working.

Marriage is trouble in the flesh. So is life.

Let me give you an update. Not sure if I wrote yet that I found out my wife is now cheating on me with someone from her previous work. I had suspicions when she pulled all her crap a year ago (when we split up) that she was stepping out with someone from work, but she denied it. Now I know different.

Last week I unofficially took over for my father as partner in his small business. I also met with a lawyer and signed papers day before yesterday to divorce that miserable adulterer whore of a wife of mine. Now I can divorce her without stipulation – I’m free to remarry, etc. Not that I would want to, that is. I don’t think I could trust another person again. Even if I did “fall in love” with someone else – whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean. How could I trust that they will remain faithful? I could I trust that they would not do the same thing this stupid excuse of a woman did. My wife was a disobedient woman, and I’m starting to agree with the desert fathers – women are given to lewdness and deception by their very nature. Eve was deceived even before the fall. Makes me wonder.

Thanks be to God I do not have to concern myself with any of this any longer. He not only saved me from a lifetime of misery being married to the whore, but now I have the first-hand experience to rely on to know the truth. There is no “true love” or at least it is a profound mystery like the church. And marriage itself, as an institution, is not preferred either in heaven or on earth. This is a lie perpetrated by the church – and I’m not sure why exactly – other than culture. Our culture drives us to WANT our children to marry so we can, selfishly, have grandchildren. Maybe, subconsciously, we are all crabs trying to pull each other back down into the pot. God forbid we want for our children to be “without concern”. Rather, we strap them with heavy burdens of fictitious concepts like true love and destiny and attempt to convince them that they are not complete without a spouse.

Garbage. Utter rubbish. We are not directed by the bible to get married. In fact, just the opposite. Paul is very clear: it is better for a man not to touch a woman. That period wasn’t put there for no reason. Granted, most people can’t handle not being married. I couldn’t. I couldn’t live my life not knowing, because the unknown was always there to condemn me – to tell me I was missing out. I believed all the cultural garbage I was raised with. When I got married, how quickly did I discover that not only was the cultural pressure to get married garbage I also found that marriage itself was a terrible, miserable trap without escape.

I think this is why the disciples said: “If it is this way with a man and his wife, it would be better if we never were married.”

Unfortunately, most cannot accept it. But I can accept it and I now glory in it. I’m thrilled to be single again. I’m excited at the prospect of spending the time I have left on earth single, celibate and without concern. I’m thankful for the desert fathers and their theology and I hope that I can test my vocation further in the future – maybe even take my vows and spend the remaining days as a monk in my cell.

I have no concerns but for what my God desires of me. Truly, I am now undivided.

You know, I was honest with that woman. I not only told her the truth but I gave my life for her. It just goes to show you and I’m pretty convinced at this point that I’m an easy mark when it comes to ‘users’ in this world. I don’t know why. I guess I just believe people are telling the truth, when in reality, people don’t tell the truth. People lie as a matter of instinct and there is no real way to be sure, other than to gamble with time.

My marriage lasted 5 years and a few months. Some people – many people – spend decades, sometimes 20 or 30 years with someone and then wake up alone, abandoned and betrayed. It makes no sense to me and it’s by and large a bad investment with pretty shabby ROI. Why do people do it anyway? Why is someone driven to co-habitation in the first place? I mean, I’ve got to ask.

First, lets dispense with this comical idea of love or true love. I mean, I ‘loved my wife’ and that is as far as it goes. It’s worth what? A soda can is worth more than this trite and ignorant idea of love between two people. I can say the same think of God, who looking down on us claims from His word to love us, yet we suffer continually. Why do we hurt the one’s we love? Why do our loved ones hurt us?

As for my situation, I can only chock it up to bait and switch. A bad feel for the character and trustworthiness in other people. I have none. I can’t determine with any consistency or accuracy who will be there will all is said and done. I couldn’t believe it when that bitch told me – to my face – that she would not take care of me if I got sick, that she would put me in a home.

It all amounts to a few key points. The literal viability of vows and the inexplicably frigid nature of the human will. When crisis comes, some people – few people – stand up and shine. They take on their obligations (which are none other than promises they made – their word) and they fulfill their vows. Others – most – simply do not. It is the self-interest that I see all around me, and probably in myself too. But, I can’t say that in this instance, since, no matter how miserable I might have been, I never once thought about divorcing or leaving my wife. I will stand at judgment knowing full well and being confident in the fact that I was willing and wanted to work on my relationship with my wife.

The difficulty lies in the minutia of the situation, doesn’t it? I was not so much ‘in love’ with my wife as I felt a deep seated and solidified ‘commitment’ to her – a biblical obligation. I knew for most of the marriage that I did not ‘love’ her children. How could I? I tried to make them my own, but I could only go so far. When they began to turn on my and I received no support from my wife, what else was I to do.

At the same time, though, say the last three or four months of the marriage, I was grappling with other issues in my life that greatly complicated the situation. My health was deteriorating (I only found out later, after the separation, it was my body warning me that there was something terribly wrong with the situation I was in). On top of that, I was coming to grips with the realization that I was incapable of serving my God. I know there is no such thing as a “good” christian, but I know I don’t fit in – at least not with the orthodoxy. I’m not a good evangelical because I have no desire to save the world. In fact, I don’t particularly think the world deserves to be saves – quite honestly – I would not be too disappointed if God wiped us all off the face of the earth.

I guess that goes back to the lack of love I have within me. It’s troubling to me, because I know that God is a double edged sword. How can I be saved by God if I have no love for the brethren. But I don’t. I have none. I think the church is nothing but bullshit – but only because it is made up of people and people are crap. I idolize a number of people in my past: David, Joe, etc but I don’t think they really exist as I’ve created them. (I like these guys I’m listening to right now: Oaisis: great band). The church has taken after God’s chosen people as a stiff necked group of hard-headed idiots.

So, where does that leave me? I have to just let time play out what is in store for me. I go to bed when I’m exhausted and wake up regretting the precious gift of life God has given me. I’m an an ungrateful servant and will be lucky to find salvation in the end of it all. My life is pretty much insignificant. It is an uneventful display of mediocrity.

I want to live in the wilderness but even that is too much for me to bare.

I’m not gonna beg you for nothing
I’m not gonna beg you for your love
Straight talk, give me the straight talk
Tell me what’s on your mind if it ain’t love
Scared now, what are you scared of?
Afraid I might fall on my knees and break down?
Don’t you think you can take me for a pretty little ride
I know “once upon a time” and “ever after” is a lie
I’m not gonna beg
I’m not gonna beg you for nothing at all
There’s nothing I want from you
Nothing you can say or do
There is nothing I want for you say anyway
I’m not gonna beg you for nothing
I’m not gonna beg you for your love

This is the perfect depiction of my wife and how she was addicted to video games throughout our ridiculous marriage. She would ignore the kids, ignore me and everyone else around her. Thank God she got tired of me trying to get her to own up to her problems and gave me the boot. I’m no longer breathing second-hand smoke all day long, I no longer have to do crap for her, and I’ve been able to embrace my misanthropic, misogynistic, personality and can experience true happiness and contentment for the first time in my life. I now recognize and accept my eremitic tendencies as they are – a desire to separate myself from a disgusting world I want nothing to do with.

My first instinct: tell her to fuck off.

Come on already? Why am I still being put in the position of having to do what she wants. Why can’t she suffer the consequences of her own actions and just file it? It’s been an entire year now, and the stupid bitch is still procrastinating her life away.

But there is another undercurrent that is driving this opposition to going in. It’s the fact that I don’t think I could handle being in the same room as her anymore. I think I would either just break down, or flip out – one thing I would not be is civil, and it’s very possible that is what she is hoping for.

I tell you: the only advice I would give anyone is don’t do it. Don’t get married. Don’t get involved with people. Stay away from them entirely. Don’t fall into the trap of having children (thank God I haven’t) and don’t believe a damn thing anyone ever tells you because, most likely, they are lying right to your face.

I have concluded that people are universally evil, selfish, and driven by the debased sin nature inherited by Adam. And I’m no longer going to apologize or feel bad for believe this. I’m not longer going to accept the societal axiom that people are, by their nature, good.

Screw that, and screw that fucking bitch who lied to me from the first moment it dawned on her that she could take me for a ride. This has happened multiple times throughout my life, and the essential culprit is believing in the fallacy that people can be trusted.

So, if she tells me that I cannot go in separately, then she is just going to have to bite the bullet and serve me the traditional way. Then I can get the papers, see if she is going to screw me over (don’t care, really, don’t have the money to pay for a response anyway) and then just go on with the rest of my life as best I can and try to keep myself from driving up into the mountains with a garden hose and going to sleep.

Fucking people. I hate everyone.